Are you tired of:
* Roommates who think "cleaning" means hiding trash under the couch?
* Skyrocketing utility bills because someone's mining cryptocurrency?
* Living in places where the AC is controlled by a mysterious entity with hot flashes?
GOOD NEWS! Your search for civilized male living is OVER!
**THE DIGS:**
* Private man-sanctuary with fancy wood plank flooring (no carpet that tells the story of previous tenants)
* PERSONAL CLIMATE CONTROL via mini-split AC/heater (be as cold or hot as your heart desires)
* Fresh paint that doesn't smell like decades of questionable life choices
* Queen bed with NEW mattress (no mystery stains, we promise)
* Smart TV mounted on the wall (for sophisticated viewing or, let's be honest, sports)
* SWIMMING POOL access (impress your friends, pretend you're successful)
**THE SWEET DEAL:**
* All utilities included (water, electric, gas – go ahead, charge your phone 24/7)
* High-speed internet (fast enough for gaming or "working from home")
* Laundry on-site (no more awkward laundromat encounters)
* Parking in driveway or right in front (no hiking 3 blocks with groceries)
* Just $540 /month (cheaper than your dating app subscriptions)
**THE FINE PRINT (AKA WHO NEED NOT APPLY):**
* No drugs/marijuana enthusiasts (your "herb garden" belongs elsewhere)
* No couples (this isn't a love nest)
* No kids (we've worked hard for our breakable items)
* No pets (the pool is not for doggy paddling)
* No criminal record (we Google you before responding)
* No indoor smoking/vaping (take that habit to the great outdoors)
**YOUR HOUSEMATES:**
Professional-type males including one part-timer who occasionally shares the bathroom (don't worry, he's trained in proper towel hanging)
Please send your phone number only for a quick response.